Why Childless People and Parents Can and Should be Friends

"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music."

-Nietzesche

I'm a non-breeder ((I realize this first statement isn't exactly coming as a surprise to many). To complicate social matters further, I'm a non-married, non-breeder. My type isn't exactly going extinct but you sure won't find us flooding the grocery stores or wedding receptions. I don't get invited to couples events, I don't get invited to child-friendly events, I'm often that awkward plus-one that just doesn't quite fit. It's my type of people that cause married, breeders to tilt their heads slightly while chatting, trying to make sense of this situation. These conversations usually result in trailing off sentences... “So you're not married and you don't have kids? So you.....” Like somehow I'm about to volunteer that I have a third arm that I strategically hide but can pull out for a good party trick.

Lately, there has been a lot of attention given to singles without offspring, and while some of it is welcomed, some of the attention is just plain annoying. I have read countless articles and research studies and blog entries as to why single people without kids can't be friends with people who do have kids. I'm told it just won't work. These particular articles, though containing small morsels that ring true for me, mostly they just piss me off and result in me slamming my computer closed in anger. Very recently there has been an article making it's way around social sites that reports that kids are lucky to have “aunties” who do not have kids. And although this article sits a little better with me, I still feel annoyed as I feel neither camps tell the real story, for me at least. It's more complicated than that I think.

Many of my closest friends are parents. I adore them as friends and I adore their whole family. There is no doubt that our lives look completely different on the surface; but deep down we're still humans who connect irrespective of kids, spouse or pets. I would hate it if someone having kids was a friendship deal-breaker like living with one's mom would be a dating deal-breaker. I'm not naive, I know it is complicated. I know that the clash of lifestyles can make things tricky at best. It's not having kids or not having kids that can make or break a friendship, it's how we perceive and handle the differences that matter. Being a single mother versus being a coupled-mother are also very different. It doesn't mean that they can't be friends, it just means that both need to recognize the differences in their circumstances so that it doesn't cause a problem. The idea that all singles will get along and that parents just want to hang with other parents is an absolute that drives me bananas. Life is not black and white, it is various shades of greys. A world of absolutes is a very lonely one, with or without children.

Let me first start by saying that kids will love and cherish any adult who invests in them: mother, neighbour, nanny, married uncle or single “auntie”. It's just their nature. The more nurturing, caring adults a child can have in their life, the better, irrespective of whether those adults are married, single, or trying a few models out for size.

I do recognize that my interactions with children are likely different than they would be if I were a mom. Being “fun” Lisa is a little easier when I don't have to think too heavily about the consequences of getting friends' kids riled up before bed, having so much fun building a fort that bedtime is late or teaching them an annoying song that will now be sung every second of every day for weeks. I arrive, I sing and dance, chase and be chased and then leave for my home with no consequences of this behaviour. Although many parents would likely be rolling their eyes at me right this minute, I still would like to volunteer that this is actually a positive attribute. Being a parent is the hardest job on Earth. It is hard to be fun-parent when you also have to be responsible-parent, consequencing-parent, redirecting-parent, patient-parent etc etc. I suggest it is nice for kids to see that adults can be fun and silly and legitimately enjoy the company of kids. It's just easier for me as a non-breeder as I don't have to worry about making lunches, scheduling the dentist appointment and somehow getting the gum out of the hair.

I think most kids look at me as like a cartoon character with a license to drive. I will crawl around in the mud, make up silly games but can still drive to the movie theatre. I can be the ear to hear stuff that might not quite be ready to discussed with parents. If the opportunity presents itself I can invest more than other adults who do have children simply because I'm not already up to my eyeballs trying to manage and parent my own children.

The downside, of course, is that I just don't have the same perspective. God knows I do try to listen to the concerns of my friends who have kids. I absorb what people tell me, read a lot and do try to be a contributing person in the conversation about potty training, temper tantrums, puberty and prom concerns. I recognize I can't actually “understand” any of it, and don't pretend to, but I do try to be a support and a good listener. Given that most of my friends are parents, I feel as though I have a fairly good frame of reference. I also have the benefit of being able to chat about parenting issues without getting triggered by my own Parenting stuff, because I don't have any! My parenting friends can talk about how crazy it is for 8 year-olds to cross major streets by themselves without having to worry that you've just insulated by personal parenting skills. It's win/win.

Are all the articles right and it is more difficult for me to be friends with parents because I haven't popped out a kid? Probably. Is it impossible? Absolutely not. I think that I've managed that gauntlet somewhat. I don't do amazingly well nor do I suck completely, just call me Goldilocks, I'm somewhere in the middle. Given that the majority of my demographic are parents and more importantly the majority of my closer social circle are parents, I had to find a way. Parents being friends with parents will always be easier. Play dates make things easier, similar conversation topics and the same points of reference. In the same way that it is probably easier for non-parents to be friends with other like, creatures.

A lot of the time, my life simply isn't PG. I suspect that makes me sound more badass than it should but there are just a lot of things in my life that don't need to be heard by a 6 year old whether its about a fight I'm having with someone or work stress or the latest set-up that was a dud. Not to mention that it is usually mid-conversation that someone needs a snack or to pee or wants the teddy that is residing on the top shelf... I don't say this as a complaint, kids are kids and this is just how they roll. I more say it because it shows that my world and the world of a parent can be on such opposites of the spectrum.

It's important that parents also try to remember that their friends who click “no dependents” on their income tax form are experiencing a very different reality than they are as well. As important as it is for me to remember to ask about dance lessons and the latest birthday party, it is equally important that I'm asked about my life, my job, my run-in with an unfortunate person or if my water is finally fixed. As a singleton, it is hard to vocalize that part. It's hard to say, “Why can't you ask me about my trip to Sudbury?” when we're in the middle of talking about a child's well-being. I just ends up sounding trivial. It's not at all, but that's just how it sounds. I don't get the hand-made “I love you” cards, the hugs before bed, the unconditional love that only exists between parent and child. I get to visit that world for short periods of time, but I don't get to stay. My reality is different.

So what's the payoff for me? I get to spend significant time in the “kid zone”! For a moment, I get to have all the benefits of kids. The giggles, the hugs, the conversations that make you forget the craziness of being an adult. I get to see the friends I adore as parents and that always amazes me. I am in awe of them and how they shifted into these amazing parental units right before my eyes. I also get to be a part of their family for a just a brief minute and that's just cooler than I can say. Maybe most importantly, I also get to keep my friend. The conversation is sometimes jilted and disjointed, but it's worth the effort. I also bring some basic adult conversation to the table and that's surely worth something too.

"Black and white are only for zibras and Michael Jackson!" 

- Orange is the New Black

In some ways, I know I will always be on a different road than my married-parent-friends. I also know that our realities will forever be different. Will I ever completely understand what it's like to wake up to having a child vomit on my face? I sure hope not! Will my friends ever understand the hundred emotions I feel while I watch families at the park? Nope. But I don't think that means it can't work, it just has to be different.

I sincerely believe it takes a village to raise a child and what an honour it is for me to part of the village for some kids. There is no doubt though that I screw up a lot. Being a parent myself would probably help me avoid some of the landmines I step right into... saying the wrong thing, suggesting the wrong solution, being in the wrong place. But for me, it's worth taking a chance on landmines if it means I can keep my friend and her/his partner and kids and dog and cats and pet goat... it's worth it.

A very special girl once said to me with complete sincerity, “Lisa, you don't have any people.” She wasn't trying to be hurtful, she was just noticing that I was one of the rare adults in her life that didn't have any husband or kids. I had no people. My response to her? “Of course I do! All of you are my people!”