What the hell is FOMO anyway?

There’s no question that I’m getting “seasoned” and often I’m a little out of the loop with cool kids’ jargon. I pretended for months that I knew exactly what FOMO was… but eventually I sucked up my pride and googled it. Feelings of Missing Out. I snorted. How on Earth does anyone think this is a new concept? We weren’t clever enough to come up with “FOMO” back in the day when we didn’t make the cut for a birthday party or got B Listed for a wedding – but I can assure you, feelings of missing out is a  timeless concept.

Social media and the World Wide Web ensures that we all have FOMO sometimes. Everyone is doing something cool. Scroll through the ‘Gram and you will definitely feel like that world is spinning along without you. For me, I will see pics of happy looking people doing happy kinds of activities and part of my brain smiles while the other part pouts like a 3 year old.  Good for so-and-so having all the fun… without sarcasm or cynicism of course. Just pure joy and happiness for others…

Are you buying it? Yeah, it’s total bullshit.

There is no question that I want all my people to be happy and having fun and adventures, but it’s hard sometimes to be on the outside looking in. But if I’m honest, it goes much deeper than that.

Feelings of missing out are often fleeting and fairly innocuous. However, for some people those feelings can shoot them into a spiral of questioning self-worth and emphasize feelings of isolation. For some people, isolation is not only a real feeling, but a terrifying one.

Straight up, isolation is a bitch. As someone who struggles with feelings of isolation I can’t emphasis enough how scary and hopeless it can feel. I didn’t truly understand isolation until I switched jobs and wasn’t going to the same office every day. I couldn’t have predicted how much I counted on the continuity of my routine and the beautiful souls I worked with. No matter how grumpy I got, there was always someone who would listen to my rant, and that matters. I work alone a lot and spend a lot of time on the road – alone. Although my singing skills have improved tenfold (let’s face it, the only way was up!), I’ve also become acutely aware of how easy it is to fall through the cracks. I feel too old in some situations and too young in others. I don’t have kids so I don’t make other parent friends and hang out at hockey tournaments or during dance class. I’m not married so often I don’t fit into couple events. I invest a little too heavily into friends which inevitably means they will get married and have kids or move away, and then I’m back at the beginning, starting over again. Don’t get me wrong, I do not define myself according to my Rolodex (I told you I was seasoned!) but I believe it is human nature to want to feel like you belong somewhere and are understood.

The days are getting darker and the weather is colder. It’s natural to hibernate a bit more, which can be wonderful if you are surrounded by people in your little hibernation cocoon. But for those who may not be quite so lucky, fear of isolation just becomes more prominent. Although staying home and hiding is sometimes exactly what I need and want, it would all feel better if I chose it. Don’t get me wrong, I have a great life and often have more fun then I should, but still it’s hard to see the excitement going on around me and not being part of it. It’s silly really. My liver sends me a thank you note every time I haven’t been out the night before shooting whiskey, and yet still I can feel left out.

"If a tree falls in the forest, and there's nobody around to hear, does it make a sound? I think of this often when something great happens or something terrible is going on. For people struggling with isolation, the very fact that we can’t share the events of the day with someone can leave us wondering whether it even matters. Sharing is caring after all.

This time of year is often difficult for people. A season that brings so much joy and excitement to so many people, can just highlight loneliness and feelings of missing out for others. The hope and joy of holiday parties just drills home to some that they don’t have any parties to go to.  The expectation of crazy family shenanigans for some reminds others that they don’t have family to shenanigan with.

I’m so uncomfortable confessing all of this but as Shrek says, “It’s better out than in!” I have some of the most amazing and loving humans in my life. But I still feel compelled to share this because I’m kinda the most unlikely case of someone who should struggle with isolation. And that, my friends, is exactly my point. Don’t assume people are doing well. Don’t assume business equals real connections. Don’t assume the largest laugh means contentment.

I often feel like we don’t talk about isolation because it’s a sign of weakness, or neediness or an insult to the people who love us. Others would assume if I was somehow a more evolved and centered woman, I would be nourished by my own company.

Although it appears I write this as a therapy session (thank you by the way, your cheque is in the mail), I actually felt compelled to write and share this because I truly believe there is something important we all need to do. We need to check in with people. I don’t mean a “how’s it going?” text. Although that can be nice to receive, it’s pretty useless. A quick, “good thanks, you?” and we go on with our day. Nothing real. Just a quick exchange that is forgotten in minutes.

Often people will share memes and quotes suggesting people should speak up if they are struggling or lonely. Here’s the thing – that’s not how it works. People who are that far down the rabbit hole are not going to reach out to you. They will tell you that they are fine, and you will believe them. It sounds harsh, but I believe it’s true. I am guilty of this daily. I am realizing that I have to check in for real. Grab a coffee, take a walk… share your presence and your time with someone. That’s invaluable. That effort changes lives.

There are so many things that happen in life that we have no control over. People die, flat tires happen, stupid colds take us down, loved ones move away… But one thing we have complete control over is how we treat the people we care about. We can always make time to make sure our loved ones know that they aren’t alone. It seems trite, but I am confident as you read this at least one person who is really struggling with isolation right now has popped into your head. It may be the person who lives alone, or has just survived a recent break-up. It could be someone who has lost their job or whose kids just moved away. It could be an older adult who lives alone. It could even be the person who looks like they have it all together and has a smile on their face all the time.

I’m asking you for a favour. If you do nothing else this holiday season please check in with someone. Worst case scenario you will reignite a friendship and have a laugh. Best case scenario, you may just provide hope to someone. Hope!! Think about that for a moment. You have the power to provide hope to someone. We have a superpower! Plus, if you provide hope to someone, they may in turn check in with someone else in their life. We’ll start an epidemic of caring and providing hope. Put away your credit card, this initiative is free.

Screw FOMO, we’ve got hope.