To bully or not to bully...

Bullying... It is strange that as an adult I'm thinking about bullying, and yet that's exactly what's occupying my brain. One would think that there would be a shelf-life on bullying, something that is an issue for children and youth but by the time you become an educated, well-adjusted adult, it would no longer be a problem But that doesn't appear to be true, sadly. I think the art of bullying becomes subtler in some ways, a little fancier, with bigger words and hidden agendas, but I believe that bullying is as prominent and damaging to adults as it is as children.

Bullying is defined by the Oxford dictionary as “a person who uses strength or influence to harm or intimidate those who are weaker:” According to that definition I'm fairly sure that all of us have been bullied at some point in our lives. But here's the more shocking part, I also suspect we have all bullied people. I stare at that sentence and find it a little hard to swallow. I would love to think that I've never bullied anyone but I think that that would be a lie. Let me clarify...

As a former fat kid, I understand what bullying looks like and feels like. I know what it's like to be “picked out of the herd” for being different and be reminded of that fact everyday. I also know what it's like to feel like I deserve less and that I am “damaged goods” because someone has arbitrarily determined that. I can still remember taking the long way to a class to avoid a certain area of the school or avoiding certain social situations because I knew who would be in attendance. I remember trying to make the “right” friends for social protection and rethinking every action I made. Sadly to this day I can admit to avoiding walking by huge groups of people because my brain has been trained to expect the worse. I know... I know... My brain knows how silly it is to carry past disappointment and helplessness into adulthood but somehow it's an influence that's hard to shake.

Bullying has changed a lot of course with the introduction of social media like Facebook and Instagram into our world. Bullying looks different, the mechanism is different but I would argue the end result is the same. At the end of the day it is a person or group of people who, for one reason or another, feel the need push someone else down in order to make themselves look better. The vehicle has changed but the motivation has remained the same. The insults are delivered through the internet but the resulting feelings of hopelessness, discouragement and helplessness have remained the same.

I've spent a lot of years wondering why bullying is so effective. A few silly comments in childhood can lead to years of self-doubt and the chain of actions that often accompany self-esteem issues. So just what is it that about bullying can literally change everything for someone? I've decided, for me at least, it was that I was never told: “why.” Now I know that I was supposed to assume that being chubby automatically meant I should understand that this made me the weakest link and therefore I should be cast off frequently. We are to assume that being too skinny, too fat, too ugly, too tall, too smart are all very good reasons to be teased and pushed out on our own. Isolate the “different” people from the herd and just see if they can survive. Keep apples with apples. It's modern day Lord of the Flies.

But that explanation is still not good enough for me. Why does having bad skin make others be mean? Why does the ability to solve quadratic equations mean that bullying should be expected and accepted? Why? Who determines what is a “weak” characteristic and what is a “strong” characteristic? Who determines what's cool and what isn't? Is there any warning that we've entered dangerous territory and that we should retreat? “Don't wear the plaid shirt with the combat boots, there will be hell to pay!” “Don't forget to wear the tarp to the beach because otherwise the wobbly bits will alert the masses!” There's no alarm, or disclaimer or list. It's walking a tightrope of acceptable and not standing out. Fitting in quietly but not being a kiss-ass. Being original enough that people are intrigued but not so original that you leave yourself up for attack. It's survival, but exhausting.

Having said all of that, the most horrifying part for me is that if we all know the pain of being bullied, why in heaven's name do we continue to bully each other as adults? Seriously. Why would we pick out the weakest link in a group setting, whether it be social or professional, for the sole purpose of being hurtful? Even more surprising? Why is it that everyone reading this right this second know exactly what I mean? As adults we have been bullied, we have bullied, we have watched others bully and stay silent.

It looks different now, mind you. It's chatter that stops when the victim enters the room making the awkwardness so noticeable it's palpable. It's making “friends” with someone just to talk about them behind their back and slowly discredit them rather than building them up. It's waiting until there is a crowd to discuss something that should have been discussed privately just to bring about shame and embarrassment. It's purposely pointing out that someone doesn't fit it because showing acceptance is too much work. It's being a boss that makes life miserable for their employees. It's picking on the person with a limp because it's easier than having empathy.

I hate being cast out of the clan, truth be told. I don't need everyone to like me though, I understood ages ago that not everyone was going to like me and I needed to be ok with that. I do, however, still want to fit in. I lived for the 90s so I definitely understand raging against the machine and wanting people to appreciate uniqueness. However, I also don't want to be so different that it draws attention. I don't want to piss off the wrong person and then have a battle everyday. I don't want to hurt a friend and then watch them join with other people and suddenly I feel left out...

And then I wonder how much bullying has to do with our own insecurities, my own self-esteem issues getting triggered by certain people and certain situations. I wonder if I "bully" by mistake, simply wanting to keep people out of my clan to protect the small amount of self-esteem I have. I would hate for that to be true, but what if it is...

We expect kids to deal with all of this with grace and acceptance. We expect them to understand and grow stronger from bullying. Why haven't we, then? When did we stop expecting better from ourselves? Life is so hard. We all battle through everyday, trying to make ends meet financially, trying to keep people happy socially and fight against people who want to harm the people we love. What if everyday could be a scene from “Eat, Pray, Love” as opposed to “Mean Girls”? What if we encouraged each other as opposed to beating each other down? I know we all won't be friends. Clearly. I spend a lot of time angry and being cynical... but what if that was accepted? What if I accepted people who were happy and delightful even if that wasn't the reality in that moment?

Let's just give it a try. The whole acceptance, welcoming business. You know, just for shits and giggles...